Category: Dating and Relationships
Hey all,
I'm back to this wonderful community once again for advice about something. Any help much appreciated!
my boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years, and we get on great he's a great guy, and I'm mad about him, but...
I hate to even say this, but Iwell, I suppose the easiest way to explain it is that i'm more 'social' than he is - he calls me a 'social butterfly'. I'm not by any emans 'miss popular', but I have a few groups of friends from different places.
The problem is that things keep happening which clash with the plans we have, and I feel like I can't do anything without letting one side or the other down. I suppose I'm not very good at balancing things. This is the only area of our relationship we've ever had a cross word over, we never disagree other than on this point.
For example, a friend I met last summer in Spain is coming to Dublin (where I live) from Sweden for a few days. THis is all great, but she wants to have dinenr on Friday night with myself and a friend I was in Spain with. Thi is all fine... except that my boyfriend and I usually spend Friday and Saturday nights together - and I don't know what to say to him... I'm thinking of not saying anything and just saying I can't meet this girl, but then I'm lying to him, which is not a road I want to go down (I've done it once, over a 'leaver's dinner' which one of the college societies had which I didn't go to because Friday and Saturdays are 'our nights' for me and him, and I still feel guilty weeks later...).
Sorry for the ramble. any ideas?
thanks so much :)
Would he get mad if you asked him to see you say Saturday and Sunday that weekend, or some time during the week?
If you are not always concelling out on him on your nights, is he open to change so you can go do this thing, due to him not wanting to go?
If you are social and he is not, you have to strike a balance.
If he won't let his nights go, and you won't let your outings go on your nights, and I understand outings happen when they do, not on your schedule you both will always have the problem.
No solution but compermising. Nothing else I personally can think of.
Sorry, she's coming from Sweden and wants to see you for one night? Go to the dinner. You'll see your boyfriend the next day, there's no big deal in missing one night. You're boyfriend should understand that. If he doesn't, there's a deeper problem than just him not being sociable and you should talk to him about being controlling and jealous.
I never understood why couples get so worked up over having separate lives. If you're not cheating on each other, and at the end of the day you go back to each other, enjoy the time apart. It makes the reuniting all the better.
Oh. I so agree with cody on this one. You really dont' need to send every weekend together. think of how much more exciting your relationship will be if the two of you have some varying interests and if you spend some time with separate friends. If you spend all yoru free moments together and you fall into a routine, one or both of you will get bored. Spare yourself that, especially so early into a relationship. Some might say that two years is a long time, but if I'm assuming correctly, you plan on being together long term. So two years is not so long in the long run. You'll have plenty of time to get bored together if, say, one day you two get married, have kids, etc.
My fiance and I kick ourselves for not taking our so-called freedom for granted a little bit more than we did, before we had our kid. For instance, tonight we planned a date night, but, guess what? We're both hanging out at home with a sick, cranky baby. Date night got busted. Hang out with your friends, you're young, you should. If your boyfriend can't understand that, then perhaps he has some deeper issues like cody suggested. Just because he doesn't feel like socializing doesnt' mean you should drop it all for him. as long as you can find time for him, and share adequate quality time that way, you should have room to spnd time with your friends. If he want's to tag along sometimes, then take him as well. Wouldnt' hurt for your BF to meet some of your friends, would it?
Exactly, bernadetta. And, before being with you he knew you are social and have friends, so, he should already understand by now and not make such a big issue about if you decide to go to the dinner if he still wants to be in the relationship. It was his choice too, and really shouldn't become a big deal.
I'm in full agreement with the last two posts. I'm not the most social person, either, so I understand your boyfriend's hesitation. Just recently, my boyfriend wanted me to meet a couple of new friends of his. We haven't all hung out yet, but we've all talked on the phone. At first, I wasn't too crazy about that idea. But I figured that it couldn't be anything terrible, and guess what? Those two guys I talked to are really cool. I don't regret having met them at all, and, as soon as circumstances permit, I'm sure we'll all hang out and have a few drinks or something. But part of being in a healthy relationship is knowing that you can spend time with your friends, and even meet your partner's friends and not feel awkward about it. If the two of you are sharing your lives together, friendships that previously existed belong in that circle as well. My whole point is, you can't limit yourself to being just the two of you. You'll start to feel awfully suffocated that way, eventually.
If your boyfriend really doesn't want to be away from you for that night, why not suggest that he go along and meet this friend of yours? Unless there's some specific reason why he couldn't, like something you already RSVP-ed for, I would at least try to suggest the idea to him.
I second all of these posts. Balance is key, as is understanding. And seriously, if this is really your only problem in this relationship, it's not worth parting because of it. Not that you said anything about that from what I read, but so often I've seen a small issue which could hav been rezolved with communication turn into a real problem. Good luck.
most everything that has been said, is right on, but I don't think you should invite your boyfriend on this outing. you all need time apart from one another, so you can learn how to balance the fact that both of you do, indeed, have separate lives.
I've heard of couples thinking this is a bad thing, but, actually, it's far from it. you were your own person and did your own thing before he was in the picture, I'm sure, so having him in the picture shouldn't make things any different.
Yes, a person needs some me time. That is important.
My GF and I have separate friends but we still strike a balance. It's great that you want to spend your weekends with him, but this is a special occasion! Also...is it possible to go see him after your dinner plans on Friday? that way you can still have some time with him on Friday and Saturday and that won't spoil things. Sure you might not get as much time with him on Friday but hey, look at the bigger picture. You don't see your friends from another country every day, so just say hey, she's coming in from out of town and wants to have dinner with me but i'll still make time for you too. That way he knows he's not coming in second or something.
Screw that, put him second. Your boyfriend does not always need to be your first priority every single second of every single ay. Go out with your friend, have drinks, have fun, go home, relax in a hot bath with a glass of wine, catch up on your reading call him in the morning. Your boyfriend should b able to go one day without seeing you. If he can't, your relationship needs to mature a lot.
once again, I agree with what Cody is saying. if your boyfriend feels second best just cause you're allowing yourself to spend time with friends from another country, or anyone other than him, honestly, then, there are much bigger issues in your relationship than we know. cause, face it, not everyone in a relationship is gonna feel like a queen or king all the time, and that's okay.
I think everyone is spot on. My GF and I do lots together but also do thing seperatly. We both understand that it is imporent to have that time apart. I wish more couples would understand that. All you need to do is be honest with him. You disereve to hang out with your other friend. If he can't understand that like others said you have a problem.
Agree with everything that has been said, and wow, that even includes Cody's posts; whoever thought! Lol
Nah but seriously, nothing is worse than a controling boyfriend; you certainly need a social life outside him, as he could do with himself without you.
Just tell him the truth and if he doesn't like it, i suggest that you really have to sit down and talk to him about this stuff in general.
There's nothing wrong with inviting him along to get togethers as well but am sure you've done that in the past.
Hi,
Don't lie about it. Just tell him a friend is coming in from out of the country and you can't see him that night or that weekend or whatever. It need not be the end of things just because you can't see him for a weekend.
Take Care,
Dawnielle
Hi all,
Thank you so much for all the advice!
We did have a long talk, not just about this particular girl visiting, but about how we both felt about spending time apart. He's agreed to make more of an effort with my friends, and I'm trying to balance putting him first some of the time, and my friends some of the time.
Thanks again! :)
I agree. I've been with a few women in my life who've wanted an absolute monopoly on my spare time. Granted this is one comodity I am definitely not short on being unemployed, but I still prefer to make my own decision on how I manage it. I'm not what I'd call a social butterfly butI do like to get out of the house and have fun, whether that means a trip to a local Karaoke bar to have the entire crowd laughing at my rendition of Sweet Transvestite or Detachable Penis or just a rip to Dairy Queen for some ice cream or to a coffee shop for some mint hot chocolate. But there's an x girlfriend who's much more introverted thanI am and, while she might be persuaded to come with me on a small outing she would be doin so only because I asked her to and not out of any enjoyment of theactivity in question. She also tended to get a bit uptight if I decided I wanted to do something with some of my other friends one night. SoI can definitely understand why you'd be worried.
We all need our own space.
if you could, you may try letting your man meet some of these friends of yours, and maybe having some evenings where he as well as your friends are all hanging out with you, if that makes sense. and yes your friends are important, but so is he and maybe he feels like you think they are more important to spend time with than he is. so you may have to once in a while give up an evening with them to be with him, depending on the situation of course. i'm not at all saying let him decide what you get to do with your friends and that, because he is not your boss, but i am saying if it is something really important, like a friend's birthday, big, elaborate, planned evening, etc, you should go and do that one. but obviously if it is something like yours and your man's anniversary, you should definitely not ditch him to go out with your friends. hope that helps.
I have an idea, Why don't you go with your friends during the week? Then that weekend can be for you and him every friday and saturday night. That's how it has to work. If he can't accept that, then he has to understand that you have friends too. Doesn't he have friends to talk to?